DS Improves Press Release Language

I don't want to take credit, but Dassault Systemes's pr firm, Beaupre, greatly improved the language in its recent press release. Take a look at how clearly it is written:

Headline: Dassault Systemes Announces Enhancements to DELMIA V5

The headline is clear. Good!

Subhead: New Version Improves Programming Productivity and Accuracy

The subhead is nicely concise, although I would have added the word "Robot": New Version Improves Robot Programming Productivity and Accuracy

All-important First Paragraph: Auburn Hills, MI, USA, Januray 9, 2007 – Dassault Systemes (Nasdaq: DASTY; Euronext Paris: #13065, DSY.PA), a world leader in 3D and Product Lifecycle Management (PLM), announces that Version 5 Release 17 of its PLM software includes numerous enhancements to the DELMIA V5 Robotics program, including a new capability that defines and simulates complex flexible manufacturing devices such as multi-wrist robotic arms. This allows for more accurate simulation of the manufacturing processes and better defines resource allocation.

The first paragraph is all-important because it's the one that determines whether I spend any more time reading the press release. Here Beaupre falters a bit by cramming in too much. To uncram and improve the first paragraph, follow these steps:

1. Correct the misspelling of January.
2. Move the crossed-out part to the "About Dassault Systems" section at the end of the press release.
3. Turn into a second sentence the phrase beginning with "including."

Rewritten to my specs, the paragraph would read like this:

Auburn Hills, MI, USA, January 9, 2007 – Dassault Systemes announces that Version 5 Release 17 of its PLM software includes numerous enhancements to the DELMIA V5 Robotics program. A new capability defines and simulates complex, flexible manufacturing devices, such as multi-wrist robotic arms. This allows for more accurate simulation of the manufacturing processes and better defines resource allocation.

There is, however, still a logic problem. The first sentance refers to "numerous enhancements"; but the second sentence implies there is just one: "A new capability..." Perhaps "One of the new capabilities" would read better.

My congratulations on a press release that's much improved over the MatrixOne disaster I wrote about in The Sandman Cometh.

But then it all falls apart with the second paragraph:

Additionally, new native language teach pendant capabilities allow off-line programmers to program robots with V5 3D processing planning tools using both a teach pendant and programming language familiar to the robot technician. Oh, dear. This reads like it was written by robots programmed to translate from the Japanese.

Comments

[Chris Blocher]

This is worthy of a blog posting? Wow. It must be a slow news day. I know I posted about snow in Phoenix, so I am equally guilty.

[ralphg]

>"It must be a slow news day."

Items posted Jan 23 on WorldCAD Access = 3.

Items posted Jan 23 on Beyond the Paper = 1.

>"I posted about snow in Phoenix"

Press releases are a concern to me because: I am the editor of four publications.

Snow is a concern to DWF files because: ?????.

[Evan Yares]

>Press releases are a concern
>to me because: I am the editor
>of four publications.

I agree it's worthwhile talking about clarity and intelligibility in CAD press releases. When you spend time sniping about spelling and other trivial errors, you're mostly degrading your signal to noise ratio.